The Gravitas of Gratitude

Truth be told, gratitude is not something I did a good job of fostering in my life. I was the guy who would immediately size up the restaurant as I walked through the door – the lighting is too bright…why is the wait staff not wearing matching shirts?...really? You don’t know which wine goes with short ribs? Yep…that guy. It was easy to do. The critic has a much easier job than the optimist. 

I suppose at first it came out of a willing irreverence masquerading as intellectualism that I hoped was seen as a discerning eye cloaked in details that saw the mediocre as a few changes away from spectacular. Of course, like anything negative, it all grows old for the people you are with eventually. Recently, I have been dedicated to avoiding such nonsense – not an easy transition, but one I have taken on like a mission. Sure, seeing where and how things can be better is a big part of process improvement, project management, analyzing data and customer and corporate awareness - great to know for your career. At times, equally important for your relationships, goals, and overall outlook in life. There are times when it makes sense to mention things in our daily lives that truly require being addressed – nobody wants the pink chicken. But, how often and at what cost do you wrap yourself in such thoughts and how is it impacting you becoming your better self? More so, how is it impacting those in your life and their willingness to engage with you? For me, it was too often and I have worked hard to alter my thinking and embrace an approach to living that is driven by a starting place of positivity. Sure it sounds like the regurgitation of a self-help book, but when it is a choice you make it is anything but common. It becomes who you are and how you face your day, your life, your family, your friends, and, of course, your work.

Now there are only two important choices to make on the path to habitual gratitude – first, live an authentic life (easier than you think if you make the conscious effort to do so) and allow it to mold how you interact with everything while purposely trying to find the good in what you have, who you are, and what you have experienced. If not the good, at least the lesson. Secondly, for those things that already occurred, seek atonement or put them down and let them go. I can feel your grinding teeth and clenched fists, but it is the only way to move your life forward. Hope is important and sometimes worthy and valuable, but do not let the weight of it all drag your progress to a halt. 

Many months ago, I picked up take out for my family and the meal that they prepared for one of us was absolutely nothing like what was in the menu. Upon calling back to inquire, the conversation became heated and I found myself having a yelling match with the host on the other end of the phone, vehemently defending her restaurant as I compared them to a roadside diner. As it turns out, I had found an online menu service, not their website, and it had the item listed incorrectly.  But, of course, battle lines had been drawn and I was not about to back down. I remember returning to my dinner table with my family hardly impressed. my attempt at defending the honor of a loved one was perceived as an unnecessary interaction that had little to do with what was truly a small, insignificant issue.

 However, I recently went back to the restaurant and low and behold, she was there. I said to her “You may not remember me, but I called and complained back in the summer. I want to apologize for how I spoke to you and let you know that I thought you handled the situation with grace, but that I did not.” She was flabbergasted. Hearing it come out my mouth I think I was flabbergasted. She said that it happens all the time, but nobody has ever...not ever… come back and apologized. She said it made her night. 

Just the other day, I walked outside in a hurry to meet a morning deadline, only to find that the snow plow had filled the walkway up with snow. My first reaction was to be none too pleased that they had not taken more care plowing the 10 inches of snow that fell the previous night, none of which I had lifted a finger to remove myself, of course. I stopped myself. I looked out at my plowed driveway and said “I am grateful that my driveway was cleared in time for me to leave.” and my entire demeanor changed - It took one sentence to change disgust to gratitude. Add to this more complex areas of your life – your deepest relationships, your interactions with your kids, and your approach to the people you work with, especially the people you work with that you do not always see eye to eye with. Turn to all of them with a willingness to start from a positive place. Turn that same gratitude towards yourself. We all beat ourselves up for things we cannot control or for things we choose not to control, and therein lies the lesson. Gratitude – earnest positivity – is a choice, not luck. It is a willing decision to look at life through a fresh lens and start to appreciate your impact in those around you and what your willingness to drive positive interactions can do not just for you, but for them and their willingness to partner with you, be it in life or the workplace. 

Embracing a life that is on a path open to joy and vulnerability, versus the one stifled by the negativity of the curmudgeon, is the difference maker in all we do and with it comes the change you seek. The diets, the workouts, the running, the projects, the hard talks, the dealing with teens, the nurturing of toddlers, the presentations and spreadsheets and deadlines – all of this becomes more gratifying and more likely to be productive when looked at with a positive lens. If you want the fruits of your labor to pay off at work, it will never happen with a critic’s eye to everything that occurs. If you want to see your relationships improve and your family prosper, it will not happen under the weight of angst and worry. All of it is a choice…one entirely left up to you. This doesn’t mean you are not human. It doesn’t mean that stress and anxiety and challenges will disappear or that you do not need to meaningfully and thoroughly address those things. It means, however, that you will be armed with a mindset of gratitude and joy that are far better weapons when things get hard than the crude weapons of the complainer and the critic. 

Compassion, empathy, happiness, joy, and gratitude are serious topics. They deserve dignity in consideration and a deeply seated commitment towards their continuation. The gravitas of gratitude is the respectful, almost spiritual place it deserves in your life in order to change not just your outlook on the world, but the outlook of others on you. Be it career or family, the difference will be evident. I saw this motivational quote today that said, among other things, “I shall focus on all the good that is my life - I will think it, feel it, and speak it.” I would add one more thing to that list – live it. Every single day. But, I still wouldn’t eat the pink chicken.